Sensitive and introverted, I was a shy child. Communication was risky, a challenge to say the least. To find my voice, I had to overcome that hurdle and give expression to my thoughts. If I am not the authority in my own life, who is? If I don’t use the voice of that authority, who will?
Having a voice is one thing; communicating well is another. To communicate well is to consider the listener, to say what you mean, to mean what you say, but to not say it mean. Seriously, we do not have the right to be mean to each other, to call each other names, to be rude or condescending. I took a course recently called “How to Communicate like a Buddhist,” to remember to use my voice in a way that is helpful, that nurtures the spirit of both speaker and listener, that is true and kind, that is not harmful. The course included practice in listening to self and others, allowing silence, and avoiding gossip, complaining, exaggerating, or criticizing.
It’s one thing to exercise my voice while sitting at the computer but writing and editing are only part of the process. To be complete, I must bring my voice into the public realm, where I can be heard, where I can hear others. That’s where challenges arise. What happens to my voice when faced with disagreement, conflict, aggression? Am I silenced, do I go into attack mode or do I stay true to my voice and my intention to do no harm?
I’ve swallowed my words, but I have also spit them out before. Both ways do harm; they are not effective means of communication. To communicate well requires skill. Building skills requires practice. Practicing communication requires courage. Agreement is confidence-building, a counter opinion is an opportunity to hear a point of view without allowing it to either threaten or rigidify our own.
Humans like plants, seek to survive, to grow, to thrive. Unlike plants, humans have consciousness, so we can choose how we go about getting our needs met. There is room for diversity of opinions, methods, beliefs, but with this freedom comes responsibility, to at least do no harm, to not tread on the rights of others, the right to speak and the right to safety when doing so. Discourse is important, when it is civil, it is enriching.
Consider the following:
1. Respect yourself and others. Words matter, but not only words. Tone of voice matters, too.
2. Stick to the facts. A voice that is true, is free of exaggeration, accusations and untruths.
3. Avoid repeating yourself. Repetition leads to dogmatic positioning, inflexibility.
4. Speak clearly and simply. Make your point. Then stop and listen.
Imagine discourse that is civil; make it a goal. When you express yourself, you might not find agreement, but if you remember the guidelines, you will sustain your connection with others. It is better, ultimately safer to agree to disagree and stay connected, rather than divide into camps of right and wrong, winners and losers. Discourse that is civil is defined by Webster as “intended to enhance understanding.” Understanding begets understanding. Conflict begets conflict. Truth begets truth. Falsehood begets falsehood.
You choose.