My mother once told me that I was the boldest shy girl she ever met. It has taken decades for me to understand how those contrasting qualities impact my life. Now that I am in my sixties, I am aware that boldness drives me to speak out. Instead of being shy about aging, I am spreading the word that it is not how we are led to believe it is in our youth-obsessed society. It is not a state of diminishment, but rather one that is full of wisdom and wonder!
Looking back on my childhood, I recognize that my primary models for aging were my grandparents. My seven siblings and I respected them and the esteemed role they played in the family. They were kind and caring, never flustered which seemed to be a superpower that brought out the best in us. Certainly, their words and actions impacted us, but even more so, it was their way of being. Knowing such presence was possible led me on a quest to embody it.
While experiencing the stages of life from girlhood to motherhood and most recently as a grandmother, I have come to realize the special power my grandparents had. They had wisdom gleaned from experience which is a benefit of aging. It gave them clear priorities, acceptance of life, and a quiet steadiness. Grandma was a skilled gardener and cook, who also loved to read enough to walk two miles to the library to borrow books. She nurtured us with home remedies when we were sick which soothed our bodies and souls. Her touch was both gentle and strong.
Grandpa taught us card games like Canasta and joked with us – ever light and playful. He sent us letters written on his typewriter when we were away and kept abreast of what was happening in our lives and in the world. Grandma and Grandpa were a great match who showed respect for others and acceptance of what they had which always seemed to be enough. They embraced life’s cycles and did not try to change what they could not change, including aging.
When we became grandparents, we wanted to be like them – calm, competent, and caring. My husband and I have full lives in which we contribute to our communities and take time for outdoor recreation. But when we are with the grandchildren, we are in the present. We slow down, put our phones on silent, and share moments of wonder and delight.
In this place of wonder, time expands. It is an ageless way of being that connects us with our shared humanity rather than a certain time or place. And it is true that my grandparents were from another time. Grandma always wore dresses whether she was cooking or shoveling snow; I never saw her wear pants. Grandpa wore a dress shirt at home, running errands, or going on a picnic. Their attire was formal, distinguishing them from baby boomers, who still dress casually regardless of age. Our jeans are well worn.
Not only our attire but my generation’s experiences are different from my grandparents’. We have more modern conveniences than they had, granting us more free time. Even when we age, we are still bicycling, kayaking, doing yoga and other activities. These differences are big to us but insignificant to the grandchildren who view us as models for aging. What they tune into is not what we do but how they feel in our presence.
What others feel is a reflection of our internal status. Are we at peace or resisting what is happening? We can mitigate some of the signs of aging but we cannot stop it. Rather than lamenting the loss of skin elasticity, we may acknowledge gains in heart elasticity. I marvel at how free I am to give and receive love, to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to embrace and to let go – beyond what I thought possible.
Although baby boomers are more active than previous generations and technology has brought many changes in how we connect, intergenerational connections are still important. It is innate in humans to seek joy, safety, and connection.These connections allow grandparents to share wisdom gleaned from experience, bypass loneliness, and to provide a model of graceful aging for younger generations.
I’ve come to realize that when we embrace rather than resist aging, we embody the wisdom it brings and inspire the generations to come.
Where Wisdom Meets Wonder, Forty Stories of Grandma Love is a template for intergenerational connections and graceful aging.
