Or why I don’t say good job to Children.
Have you ever experienced someone say good job when you finished a task? Not an official evaluation from a boss or a teacher, but a casual comment. How did it feel?
My inward reaction to that comment is I don’t need to hear I did a good job. I value my work and if you do too, acknowledge it or thank me for what’s been done. A value judgment is not necessary and may even have a negative effect.
That may sound petty, I know, why not just roll with it. But I am sensitive to it because child development is my area of expertise and to praise or not to praise is a question to consider while interacting with young children.
I have noticed that more and more children hear “good job” from caring adults for completing everyday tasks. I’ll tell you why that concerns me.
Developing a Self-validation system
Children are developing their sense of self. One of the key elements of a healthy relationship to the self is to establish a reliable internal validation system. The purpose of doing things well is the internal satisfaction of doing them, perhaps to serve others but not seeking validation from them.
In my experience, when I look for external validation, I am out of alignment with myself. For example, while shopping, if I try on something and am unsure if it looks good and ask another’s opinion, I probably don’t like it enough to buy it. Not a big deal, unless I have a habit of giving away the power to validate me.
Depending on others for validation is not a habit we want children to develop. It is a kind of hunger that can never be sated; a cause of unhappiness when we don’t get what we are seeking. Self-validation on the other hand, is a renewable source of power.
I have observed my 24-month-old grandson stop when he finishes a task to say “I did it” with a twinkle in his eye. I say back to him, “You did it!” to share in the celebration. It could be something like walking down the steps by himself or removing the cap from the ketchup. Simple but not easy for a little one. And he claims it for himself!
He has inspired me to think anew about the difference between affirming you did something and hearing someone tell you you did a good job. The first comes from the inside, the source of personal power. The second relies on another’s evaluation; which can create a dependency and conditional self-worth. There’s risk associated with it.
Do your own Experiments
Imagine yourself completing something and pausing to tell yourself you did it. How does it feel?
Then imagine yourself completing the same task and looking for recognition outside of yourself, waiting for it to come to validate your worth. How does that feel?
For me, there is nervousness, hunger, fear that what I want/need will not come. Perhaps anger. The truth is, I am worthy of validation no matter what. I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’ve done a good job. If I do what I set out to do, I can acknowledge it.
This is how self-esteem grows; it is an inside job. Happiness, peace, safety, equanimity – are all generated from the inside. Knowing how to generate them is the ultimate goal and success in life.
While young children are developing their internal validation system and self-esteem, we do not want to hold back on acknowledging accomplishments (you did it!) and expressions of love (to the moon!). They are not evaluations and ought to be freely given.
How to Acknowledge children without judgment
Instead of offering a value judgment like good job, we can say something like, “You did it!“ or “Look what you did!”. This gives the power and acclaim for the accomplishment to the child – where it belongs.
You can celebrate accomplishments together! Be glad for what’s been done! It is from this place of joy and recognition that good things flow.
In that stream, I am finishing an essay on self-validation and reinforcing it at the same time. Feeling a sense of accomplishment, I can move on to another task or take a break.
Imagine how much you could do and how much happier you would feel if you acknowledged yourself for what you do. And let Life handle the rest.
