I have been excited to get back into the world and do the things we love to do. My husband and I just took a trip to the mountains, traveling first to the Adirondacks and then the Catskills.
We visited people and were inspired by them and nature’s beauty. We prepared well for our trip, bringing along bug spray, sun lotion, hiking shoes, rain gear, sweaters, and swimsuits. We planned to hike mountains, kayak down rivers and swim in lakes. But there are some things you cannot prepare for.
The first morning on our trip, I had a spot on my back that looked like a bug bite. By the next day, it appeared as a rash, which thanks to online research, was identified as a viral flare-up.
Ironic that after a year at home to reduce exposure to a virus, one that lay dormant in my body since childhood, erupted. A cosmic joke – a reminder that we live with and are always living with viruses!
At first, I felt itching but not much pain. It was easy to maintain a stance that I was fine. We continued on our way, within a few days, I began to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. A burning sensation kept me up at night and I thought we should head home.
But when we got up in the morning and there was company, adventures, and coffee ahead, I thought we may as well stay another day as planned. We had lots of fun. At the end of the day, I was tired and ready to go home the next morning.
When we got home, I did laundry, checked emails, and weeded the garden. All the while, my mind was busy trying to figure out how a virus got activated and what attention it warranted.
During the pandemic, I have been healthy, and I admit, I expected to stay that way, but it is not a contest and there are no guarantees. After a routine medical procedure, my gut microbiome and immune system were compromised. I did my best to mitigate the effects, but I was weakened, susceptible to illness.
My first inclination when anything is “wrong” with me is to deny it. You know, like I’m fine, I can handle it, no biggie. Not sure when I started believing it, but I think it is based on the notion that if I disclose what is not ok with me, I will be unlikeable, even a nuisance. To heal the rash on a deeper level, I would need to unpack that.
The human experience involves suffering. It is not only normal, but in many ways essential. The poet, David Whyte wrote the following.
Once we have renounced the need to live without suffering, to be special, to be exempt from the losses and doubts that have afflicted all people since the beginning of time, we can see the difficulties of others without being afraid ourselves. Our fearful, disappointed surface face starts to fall away. We can welcome other people into our lives because no matter their fears, they do not make us afraid. Suffering is the natural cyclical visitation that comes from being alive. We can be present, we can give them a listening ear, we can even be helpful and useful to them.
I am healing the rash on my skin and the nerve pain. That is the easy part. Accepting the “natural cyclical visitation” of suffering is harder. But if I dig below the surface and explore my beliefs about myself and illness, I can heal on a deeper level and be present to others who are suffering.
It is not easy to go deep, but it is worth it, to become free of binding beliefs. You may have noticed that I did not mention the name of the illness In the name of healing, I will come out with it. I have shingles. I hope you still like me.
The virus that causes chicken pox has lived in my body since I was a toddler. With help from my one-year-younger sister, we remembered the story of the summer we both had chicken pox, when the three oldest went on vacation with our parents and we had to stay home with grandmother.
I imagine when my mother saw the blisters forming on my skin while preparing for a family road trip, it was a surprise, even a nuisance. She was not only a busy mother, but pregnant with her sixth child at the time.
Children internalize adult emotions. If mom is annoyed, from a child’s view, I must be annoying.
That’s how it goes. Later when something happens that is attached to a lot of emotion, we can go back into our childhood to find the root and let it go. According to Psychologist Gabor Mate, “Anything that is ‘wrong’ with you as an adult, started as a survival mechanism in childhood.”
Children’s survival depends on their connection with adults. Trauma happens when pain causes a disconnection. At times, children witness adult upset which can be confusing, even frightening. When the adult explains what transpired in simple terms, they stay connected or reconnect with the child.
Going back to my childhood chicken pox story, I imagine my mother could have told me, she was not mad at me that I was sick, but she was sad that I would miss the family vacation. In spite of her good intentions, she did not know how to tend a child’s emotional well-being; she had not learned how herself.
Children understand the language of emotion, the warmth and tone of our voices. What they want is reassurance that they are loved. As an adult, I can now comfort my inner child.
It may not not come as second nature to understand feelings and express them in a way that children can understand. But we can learn how. We can heal our past in the present and become a healing presence.
When I have a behavior that does not make sense, there is an old self-limiting belief operating.
I do not have to pretend that I don’t get sick. I don’t have to hide when I do. I do not have to blame my mother for my interpretation of her emotions.
What helps is to allow myself to have my own internal experience, to comfort my inner child and unpack any self-limiting beliefs. When I care for my inner child, I learn how to talk to children, to help them learn to understand their own feelings and to know they are always loved.
Life is messy. We cannot control it, but we can show up, let go of expectations, stay connected, and go deep.
Do your own experiments. You might find, in the long run, the hard way is the easy way.