Mothers and all those practicing the mothering arts want the best their children. I have experienced this to be true for myself and all those I have encountered during decades of work.
That strong desire based on love can trigger perfectionism, which in reality, is not loving but it sounds good, doesn’t it? The perfect home, perfect children, perfect body, perfect hair and perfect relationships! Really? What would I do then and how would I connect with others and our shared humanity?
Perfectionism is a compulsion, a diversion from internal discomfort. Researcher and storyteller, Brene Brown, describes it like this:
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: if I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.”
It is based on an illusion; the truth is there is no perfect in human form or in the material world. Humans are not gods but rather physical beings with divine potential. Compulsions hide choices and so are self-perpetuating.
Instead of a healthy achievable standard of good enough, perfection is impossible and it leads to the judgment that something is wrong that we need to fix. This judgment lacks compassion; it lacks self-love.
The fact is when we judge reality as unacceptable, we lose our power to address it. We feel stressed and unhappy. Our physical bodies respond by secreting stress hormones to prepare us for fight, flight, or freeze, none of which are effective strategies in most situations. But that energy of stress, the adrenaline coursing through our bodies, needs release. One way to express it is the dance of perfectionism. It certainly keeps us busy.
This is how perfectionism can play out in my life. The other day, I was caring for my eight month old grandbaby after about a lapse in being with him. He was sleeping next to me. When he stirred, I moved and crushed my glasses, my go-to “all day readers” broke. Not a part of my plan, definitely not a perfect scenario.
The “something is wrong” thought entered my mind, looking to gain traction there (as it has in the past). In that moment, I chose to set that thought down and pick up others, like I have other glasses, my job now is to be with this baby and I want him to feel safe. Adult emotions can be confusing and uncomfortable for children as they are for us, in particular, when we resist them.
When I accept reality, I avoid inner conflict, I stay centered and basically feel better. The moment of upset passes, allowing room for choices that are good for me and good for the baby in my care. I avoided the physical stress response, settled the baby and went on to have a good enough day.
Reality won (it always does) over the illusion of perfection. I stayed connected to my self, my power and my choices.
I have been striving to break the habit of perfectionism for many years, long enough to know firsthand that when I let it go, my life works betters Being vulnerable – feeling fear, judgment and blame – being real – allows me to break the compulsion of perfectionism. It grows in secret, dark places where it can hide from the light of understanding.
For all the Mothers and those who mother others, today and everyday, you are good enough. The perfect mother does not exist – but you do! You are here loving, loveable and perfectly imperfect!
Happy Mother’s Day!
“Love is the real power. It’s the energy that cherishes. The more you work with that energy, the more you will see how people respond naturally to it and the more you will want to use it. It brings our your creativity and helps everyone around you flower. Your children, the people you work with – everyone blooms.”
– Marion Woodman, author of “Addiction to Perfection.”