Under the Omi Tree
Grandparenting and the Cycle of Life
To be human is to be flawed. The way we learn is by making mistakes.
Even as parents – the job we most want to do well, we end up doing things we wish we hadn’t!
It goes like this. We have children. Raise them. And learn how to be a better parent in the process.
While learning, we may come to heal our wounded inner child which frees us to love unconditionally. Grandparents hold the long view, having seen how things tend to work out eventually. Parents’ worry is unavoidable, but it sends a mixed message to children. It creates a self-fulfilling loop that can be hard to break free of.
When it comes to grandchildren, parents have more responsibility, expectations, and lessons to learn. Grandparents know the clock is ticking and cannot postpone love, joy and connection – so we enter the present moment – that sacred space where our grandchildren experience life.
Now is always the time for children and grandparents! The present moment is full of wonders – big and small. Life is a great teacher, and the learning mode is one of discovery and playfulness. Love is the glue that binds generations. We are attached at the heart. But for grandparents, it is not an attachment that is cling-y or demanding. Grandparents know we are the second tier of support, not the primary decision makers.
This gives us freedom. We are accustomed to saying good-bye to the grandchildren after a day’s visit or an overnight stay. It’s understood that we will see our grandchildren through the first few decades of their lives. Our impact is foundational and deep rather than long and wide.
My grandfather died when I was 29 years old and pregnant with my daughter. A year later, my grandmother died, having had the chance to hold the little one. I have a three-generation photo to prove it. Both grandparents lived to about 90 years old, which is becoming the norm for aging baby boomers who are living longer.
Our attachment with the grandchildren is respectful and loving, with letting go built in. When he was four years old, our oldest grandson asked me what will happen when I die. He realized that I was older than his parents and that grandparents don’t live forever (perhaps a preschool classmate’s grandparents died).
Although it is a question that could involve many different answers, I thought about what would be most satisfying for a child so young. Looking for a concrete reference he could relate to, I told him about how trees lose their leaves in the fall and then bloom again in the spring. It seemed that a story of the cycles of life would be reassuring to him.
I presented the idea that my love for him would change form but never die. He would let go of being with me physically (trees in autumn), but my presence would live on in his memories which are ever renewable (trees in springtime).
He then decided that I would become a tree when I die, and he would come to visit me. At times, he has told me how he will talk to me while sitting under the Omi tree. My German-born husband and I are called Omi and Opi by the grandchildren.
Based on our grandson’s imaginative picture, I have decided to have a tree planted in my honor when I die. It will give him a place that reminds him of me and the love we shared. With the conversation about the tree, his curiosity has been satisfied and his soul comforted, so he no longer asks me about when will happen when I die.
It has also brought me solace. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is special. It is an extraordinary connection without the heavy load bore by parents. In other words, it is more fun and less work! No wonder grandparents are so excited about their grandchildren. We get to experience that the parenting wisdom we now have works wonders and everyone benefits!
I am so grateful that I have the wisdom to now recognize the question beneath my grandson’s question. Our grandson was not seeking a scientific answer about dying but he wanted to know what would happen to our connection, the one we nurture every moment we spend together.
As a young parent, I might have missed the opportunity to comfort my child by bringing a practical answer or being too busy to respond at all. Now I know what he was seeking, the benefit of a reassuring response, and I have the wherewithal to bring it in a calm and matter of fact manner.
That’s one example of how wisdom informs grandparenting – the best do-over opportunity there is! There are more examples in my book, “Where Wisdom Meets Wonder, Forty Stories of Grandma Love”.
The stories come from everyday life in which everyone is living and learning. They warm hearts, reminding us of what is important: to do what we can for as long as we can.
We let go of attachments and accept what it. It’s the cycle of Life.
