Boundaries for the sake of boundaries is a defensive posture based on fear, one that separates us. Boundaries for the sake of commitment tend to bring us together, to be relational. They unite us in a healthy way; that is, connected yet separate like good neighbors.
They are the two primary gestures in relationship, connection and separation. Finding balance in them impacts our freedom.
A common misconception about freedom is that it is formless and passive. Freedom is not a lack of form, it is an active state of creating form that is fluid, expanding and contracting as needed. Freedom is the capability to choose a response to internal or external input, free of guilt, resentment, or pity. Non-reactive.
Commitments and boundaries are conscious decisions that define behavior and impact freedom. It is not something we do; freedom is an outcome of choices including commitments and boundaries.
Here is an example of a commitment. When my mother was elderly, living alone, at the onset of memory loss, day-to-day tasks were becoming difficult.
I committed to assisting her in a way that served her needs and would work in my life. That commitment took the form of a weekly visit when I cleaned out her refrigerator, made a list and took her to the grocery store to shop and have lunch, then put away her groceries and sip tea while visiting at the kitchen table.
A commitment to Fridays with Rosie, (whom I regarded as a first name basis friend, free of the weight of the parent-child relationship), had many benefits beyond the time we spent together.
My mind was freed by the commitment to a scheduled time. Every day of the week except Fridays, I did not need to think about when I would visit my mother or feel guilty that I was not with her.
It was a free choice to become Rosie’s Friday girl, not a duty, obligation, or means of proving anything. She knew it or at least, she felt the expansive quality of freedom on our time together.
Even while her memory was diminishing, Rose maintained a high level of social-emotional intelligence. She communicated the benefits of our Friday date when she told me that she not only looked forward to it all week, but also savored the experience all weekend.
It gave her such joy to know she could remember and count on this event. She knew when it would happen, how it would happen and basically what would happen.
While her thinking became less and less reliable, the repetition of this event gave her confidence, something to hold onto. It was not only the activities we engaged in, but it was the sense of freedom.
At the time, I had a very full and busy life. The last thing I wanted to bring to my mother was stress!
My commitment to be helpful led to setting boundaries around not only my time but also my attention. I wanted to show up fully, free of inner conflict, undivided, creating a mood of not having anything else in the world to do but to be right where I was.
No distractions were allowed into our little bubble of time and space. Anything I had to do that day, I did before or after our meeting. That clear, open mental space was important for her and for me as well. It was freeing.
Rose was vulnerable to anxiety especially when she was aware that she could not remember things. Later, when she could not remember what she could not remember; it got easier, but in the beginning, it was hard. She picked up on the mental state of others. A calm presence was soothing to her.
The Doctors explained to us that it was best to not correct her, to allow her to say what she thought was true, whether it was accurate or not. She was free to have her own version of reality and I could let her, which set me free as well.
The conscious commitment and boundaries in our evolving relationship kept us both connected and separate. It served us well.
There is no true relationship with another without commitment and no sovereign self without boundaries.
Easier to maintain this balance for me, in the presence of the very young or elderly, with no expectations of them to be anything but who and where they are, no tug for me to change myself or them.
Where it gets tricky for me, is with adult peers who have their own commitments and boundaries, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors which are not mine to choose. What I am free to choose and to practice are the two gestures of relationship and to allow others the same freedom.
This is what I have found to be true about commitments, boundaries and freedom.
1. Based on commitment, I want to be closely connected to my loved ones. To maintain that connection, I need to accept and acknowledge whatever is happening in their world (like it or not).
2. I set boundaries both within and outside myself to protect our separate individualities. When the other brings a problem or conflict, it is not mine to fix, minimize, or compare with my experience. I am not the hero of their story, only my own.
3. That’s where our freedom lies. You be you and I’ll be me. Sounds simple, but it is not always easy.
It reminds me of an early childhood verse we would recite in our morning circles.
Here are you (gesturing outward from the heart).
Here am I (gesturing to the self).
And you and I are we. (crossing arms in a hug over the heart area).
Below is a blessing, a message of hope, a wish for the world.
.
May we commit to healthy relationships and boundaries to uphold the sovereign self and to live together in freedom.
Can you join me in imagining that?
share via:
