February is the month of Valentine’s day. Hearts. Chocolates. Flowers. Declarations of love. What a pick-me-up it is to celebrate love during the second half of winter when we are growing weary of deark, dreary days.
The rhythms and rituals connected to seasonal celebrations are deeply rooted in me. As an early childhood educator, I enjoyed them all, from the preparations and celebrations, through the clean-up time and the moment of reflection.
Although retired from working with young children, I now have two young grandsons, so I am celebrating Valentine’s day with children again! Their presence awakened a special kind of love in me; one that is unconditional, expansive and steady. It flows both ways. We don’t hold back in expressing our love for each other.
And the children are great advocates for getting what they want! My goal for them is that they remain true to themselves and self-loving. Secure attachments with loving adults is where it begins. And adults are loving when they have self-love.
Thinking about self love, I remembered a post I wrote four years ago. When I reread it, it sounded new; I am not the same as I was in 2020. A lot has happened. Revisit the “magic of self love” below. Notice how it touches you now.
Contemplating self-love is a Valentine’s gift you give to yourself. May it warm your heart so you can spread love to everyone you meet. But what is self-love?
The term self-love baffled me for a long time. Self-care I understand. Self-awareness, too. But self love; what does it actually look like?
Recently, I came across a picture of self-love that makes sense to me. Self-love looks like being comfortable in my own skin. It is the state of a healthy, dynamic relationship with my self.
Sounds simple enough, but humans are complicated. At times, we act in conflict with our intentions. Then there must be unconscious motives driving our actions.
Nobody consciously wakes up in the morning set on going against their own best interests, yet it happens. These are opportunities to make the unconscious conscious if we take the challenge.
The unconscious is a wily thing – powerful and covert. It is a good idea to get to know it. Inner conflicts can be resolved when we become aware and accepting of both the conscious and unconscious aspects of ourselves. Like it or not.
The unconscious stuff is tricky, but once you become aware, you are on your way to integrating it. No sense trying to keep secrets from your self!
Self-love is a universal concept, but there is only one person responsible for the self I identify with as me. At times, it is tempting to look to others for what is lacking or uncomfortable inside of me which is not at all constructive. Loving me is up to me!
Being in a healthy relationship with myself involves active engagement in my well-being. This doesn’t mean avoiding the tough stuff. Living up to my intentions may involve some discomfort as I learn, grow and expand.
Sometimes it means making changes, letting go of self-limiting beliefs once I become aware or conscious of them. Some of them I adopted so long ago, that I think they are a fixed part of me.
For example, where did I get the notion that I am responsible for making others happy? First of all, that is an impossible task. Happiness is an inside job. Second of all, when I focus on that task, I am neglecting the one that is my job, which is to generate my own happiness. I cannot give what I do not have.
To Identify self-limiting beliefs, we are given clues from our inner selves and the outer world. When I stop and notice what is happening, I can learn where I am free and where I am tied to self-limiting beliefs. If a task feels like trying to open a locked door, the key may be uncovering unconscious beliefs.
Here’s another example. I have a belief that I have to get everything right or not make mistakes. That limits me from taking action. At the same time, I have a belief that I must perform or be in action.
Those opposing beliefs create a conflict inside of me which can slow me down or cause a complete shut-down if I don’t recognize it. Since being stuck does not support my best interests, there are many reasons why I would want to uncover those self-limiting beliefs. It is how I become more comfortable in my own skin.
In order to disempower self-limiting beliefs, I have discovered a few simple hacks that are helpful.
!. Hack # 1 – To allow myself the freedom to explore and make mistakes, I bring a sense of experimentation, like a toddler at play. When I am trying something new, I tell myself that I am doing experiments as opposed to getting it right or proving myself which is my default. Some experiments turn out the way I had hoped, others do not. At any rate, I gain information. Basically, I change the goal from achieving perfection to participation and the methodology from overthinking to playful experimentation and the feeling from fear to joy. The funny thing is, when fixed on not making mistakes, I think I make more mistakes than when I let go but no matter what, I make mistakes and have practiced feeling comfortable in my own skin when I do.
2. Hack # 2 – I learned along the way that no matter how much money we have, it is never enough. It is a self-limiting belief that leads to a sense of foreboding financial doom. Not very fun. In order to override that belief, I have done experiments with generosity. At the end of the year, I enjoy making donations to organizations I care about. Before doing so, I consider what we have, then I light a candle and engage whole-heartedly in the process of giving. I have found that giving generates a sense of abundance, whereas worrying about money makes me feel deprived. A sense of abundance grounded in facts is a feeling of comfort in my own skin in regards to finances.
3. Hack # 3 – Since I think it would be better at times if I could tell others how to behave, I have noticed a tendency to be bossy. Yes, I have also noticed that it is absolutely unproductive. Nobody wants to do what I tell them to do when I bring a know-it-all attitude (including me). The way I show respect for others and self-love for me, is I do my best to act, think, and feel in ways that support my self-interest. This looks like encouraging others rather than bossing them around. When I am comfortable in my own skin, I create an environment conducive to others making choices that support their own growth and destiny, respecting their freedom of choice and modeling mine. That’s encouragement that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.
Those hacks have proven successful in nurturing self-love – thinking, feeling and acting in my own best interests – being comfortable in my own skin. Instead of pending doom, they provide a sense that all shall be well, no matter what!
Yes, knowing myself is my work and only my work to do and it is empowering. It is also magical – which is what it looks like when the unconscious becomes conscious – the invisible becomes visible!
Now that I have shared a few of my hacks, I would love to hear yours.
Email me at judith@judithfrizlen.com with how you nurture self-love.
