Likes and Dislikes
Sunshine makes me happy; I don’t like dark, dreary days. I want sunshine!
I like when my husband compliments me; I feel neglected when he does not notice something I have done.
When I finish my work; I deserve a rest. No matter how tired I am, I have to keep working until I finish. I don’t want to stop until I am done!
Those are examples of what I call the tyranny of the likes and don’t likes. According to Anthroposophy, a philosophy of the wisdom of man, they are called sympathies and antipathies. It is important to be aware of them. They spring from a superficial evaluation of circumstances – based on appearance, comfort or first impression. Allowing them to decide our actions is basically, a young child’s level of perceiving the world.
A toddler or preschooler expresses likes or sympathies in sentences that begin, with I want. “I want cookies (before lunch)” or “I want that toy (the one his brother has)” are a few examples.
You may also hear toddlers expressing dislikes or antipathies. For example, when children say: “I don’t want to sleep, I’m not tired!” or hungry or cold. The child may be resisting what they actually need. Sometimes the child’s resistance triggers the adult’s dislike or antipathy, which is a form of resistance. It can get complicated.
How do we overcome the tendency to see the world from the level of sympathy and antipathy so we can align with our true intentions? To begin with, it’s important to understand why we would want to move beyond them, and that is possible to learn how.
Play is a form of Self-Regulation
My husband and I live in an urban area, with shops and restaurants nearby. Typically, we dress for the weather when we venture out on foot. Last night, we went to three restaurants before finding one with an open table – where we then enjoyed delicious food and conversation in a relaxed atmosphere.
While we were dining, the winds picked up and the light rain turned into slushy snowfall. It was the kind of weather that blows your umbrella inside out and soaks your clothing even under layers of outdoor gear. We were only about fifteen minutes from home, but the slippery sidewalks insisted we tread carefully to avoid icy patches and puddles.
Yes, cold, windy, slushy weather is uncomfortable, and it is normal to note that. A simple “Yuk!” will do. Complaining or fighting the weather will not alter the facts, but it can drain energy and create disturbance.
Instead of railing against the weather, blaming our gear for not performing or one another for suggesting we go out, we decided to make it a game. We hurried from corner to corner to see how quickly we could get there without slipping, falling, or losing our umbrellas, announcing and celebrating each arrival until we made it home!
Shifting the focus from the weather to a game, was a way to avoid letting what we didn’t like to wreak havoc on our emotional, physical, and relational well-being. Becoming overwhelmed by emotion takes a toll, but when we learn to regulate our emotions, we become masters of our inner world.
I teach a course about the benefits of play for teachers and parents of young children. Play is how the young child learns. While playing, children gain skills in self-regulation so they can achieve what they want to do. In the course, participants share their experiences to anchor learning and support each other.
What is self-regulation? It is the ability to regulate one’s emotions, so feelings flow like waves on the seashore or energy in motion. Dysregulation in children involves tantrums, defiance, trouble making friends, or focusing on tasks. Instead of feelings coming and going, it is a state of emotional overwhelm which derails the developing child’s brain functioning. It is a skill that develops with practice, but adults can become dysregulated, too.
Resistance in the form of likes and dislikes blocks new sensory information and learning whereas self-regulation expands the possibilities of growth and learning.
In the story above, antipathy for being subjected to foul weather did not overcome our primary intention for the evening. Our intention was to go out, have fun, and connect with each other after a busy week. By regulating our emotions, we did not allow the weather to shift our focus from our intention (what we wanted) to the weather (what we did not want).
Children decide what they want to do in their playtime and regulate their emotions – frustration, anger, sadness – to achieve their goals. Although it is appropriate for children to make choices in play, they need adult guidance when it comes to eating, sleeping, dressing, and so on. When adults remember that children learn through play, they can break through the child’s resistance and open them up to learning.
A Teacher’s Story
A teacher I met in the course on play, Sara Corey, shared a story of a playful approach she uses to engage children in trying foods.
It was a few years ago, in my home-based Lifeways Representative program here in Decatur, GA. I started to listen in a new way, to children saying immediately when a new food, or sometimes not a new food, was put in front of them: “I don’t want that.”
My new listening (of course I had been hearing it for years!) led me to ponder about this situation. They were only using their sense of sight and just by looking at it, saying no! So that did not seem right to me; and then there is also the part about allowing a child to make decisions solely by “I don’t want…” As you know, children are keen observers, yet often poor judgers.
I believe they are making a poor judgement about trying new foods and even having a possibility of expanding their taste palate, by right away saying no. And I also believed I was not serving them well by just letting them say no to new or unfamiliar or somehow undesired foods.
Yet I could not see forcing the children to try the foods. It became a quest to help the children to find a way to try foods they are saying no to.
So I came up with ‘the tongue tickle’! It engages their sense of taste in a playful way and allows them to at least try a food.
I frame it that their tongue needs to be included in the decision of trying new foods! It’s a rule now. Each piece of food gets to give their tongue a tickle! How fun! Each piece of food GETS to do that! Their tongue may say yes, I like it! and then they naturally chew/eat it. Their tongue may say, ‘no thank you!’ and then they respectfully put it in the compost bin or waste bowl (if it’s cooked food).
It’s become a game changer! I would say a majority of the time, 7 or 8 times out of ten, a child who first said no I don’t want it, says with excitement: ” my tongue says yes!” In addition to now having their sense of taste join their sense of sight in the food tasting process, once they pick the food up, their sense of touch becomes engaged, and as they bring it to their mouth, their sense of smell (probably most of the time at least) becomes engaged. If it’s crunchy, then they hear the chewing and the crunch and their sense of hearing becomes engaged!
In early January, here at the forest preschool where I now work, a mother told me her three-year-old son tried new food at home at dinner time, because he himself said he wanted to try a tongue tickle, and his tongue said yes! Another family was at a Lebanese restaurant and there were many samplings of different kinds of food. Her normally fussy (her word) son said, Mommy I will try a tongue tickle, and he proceeded to try each food that was there, and only said one time: my tongue says no thank you. All the other foods, his tongue said yes! And he had all the foods presented on the table! She was very grateful to have this support of the tongue tickle.
On a side note, perhaps for their future, it’s one stepping stone into supporting a child with making informed decisions. Instead of right away saying no, they are getting more information via tasting the food, and then can make a better, more informed choice.
Mastering Self-Regulation
Thank you for sharing your story, Sara! It’s a demonstration of leading with an open mind and heart. It shows what happens when a self-regulated adult does not resist the resistant child, but rather, meets that child in a playful way. One thing I know for sure, is that a dysregulated adult cannot teach a child self-regulation! In the story of the tongue tickle game, Sara rose above sympathies and antipathies to lead children to do the same.
How often do our own feelings about whether or not we like what is happening interfere with our ability to meet the moment? The next time you notice sympathy or antipathy for circumstances or a person, try broadening your perspective. There is more available to us than our first reaction when we stop to dig a little deeper.
Back to the slushy March evening, I can imagine a time when my mood would have soured as I complained about the weather while walking home from dinner. But what would that have given us? It would not have changed the weather. Instead, it would have drained energy from our capacity to meet the circumstances. We cannot change the weather or many other circumstances, but we can change how we meet them.
Instead of resisting, we played the game of counting the blocks and celebrating each one – especially when we reached the corner of our street! Collapsing our umbrellas, we entered our home – soaked and exhilarated! We giggled with both relief and gratitude.
A prefect ending to a perfect meal!
That’s what we want to teach our children! Instead of allowing our wants and don’t wants to tyrannize us, we are free to self-regulate and choose how we feel.
We cannot master the whole universe, but with practice, we can master ourselves!
