There are many types of love. In the Greek language, there are words for the different types.
- eros – romantic love
- philia – intimate, authentic friendship
- ludus- flirtatious love
- storge- unconditional familial love
- philautia – self-love
- pragma – committed compassionate love
- agape – empathetic, universal love
When we celebrate Valentine’s day, we often focus on one kind – eros or romantic love. The one that is associated with flowers, chocolates and gems. All good things treasured in our society, but only part of the human love story.
What does this celebration of love have to do with a Roman priest from the 3rd century named Valentine? Records from that time are scarce, details of his biography uncertain, yet his story inspired a lasting celebration of love on February 14th, the day he died.
By most accounts, St. Valentine suffered martyrdom during the persecution of Christians by the emperor Claudius II Gothicus about 270. He was commemorated as a saint by the Roman Catholic church and has been celebrated since the Middle Ages.
According to legend, he was jailed for secretly performing weddings to spare the husbands from war, in defiance of the emperor’s orders. When in jail, he befriended the jailer’s daughter and healed her blindness. When signing a letter to her, he wrote “from your Valentine”. That’s how Valentine became associated with declarations of love on his day.
Being martyred for his deeds brought attention to how he lived, what he stood for. Based on his story, I think his life was an expression of universal love, known as agape in Greek. That form of love often inspires leaders who sacrifice their comfort or lives for the common good.
When I was a child, one of my heroes – my father – gave us Valentine’s day chocolate bars that said “world’s finest chocolate”. We were convinced it was and they were big, with sections that were easy to break so it we could make it last for days.
That’s a sweet childhood memory of Valentine’s day. As an adult, I recognize the sacrifices involved in the love my father expressed. His was a dutiful, self-sacrificing love. It was unconditional familial love, storge in Greek.
What he did not give to himself, he gave to us, although he did enjoy a chocolate bar. He wanted us to have what he did not have. The best way to acknowledge such gifts is to receive them – the life, education, and love – and to live fully. We stand on the shoulders of those who give us what we needed to not only survive, but to thrive.
An outward expression of love is one side of the picture but love flows from the inside out, fed by a wellspring of self-love. When we are a vessel for love, we can both contain it and give it away. We have the ability to love in as many different ways as the Greeks have words for it.
Just as individuals evolve in consciousness throughout our lifetimes, humankind evolves as well. In the journey of consciousness, we have come to value the inward aspect of love as well as its outward expression, love of self and love of others. The feminine inward gesture as well as the masculine outward one. Love of self is called philautia.
When teaching young children, I kept a box of letters from parents, which I referred to as love notes. At the end of a hard day when I questioned my capabilities, I would take out that box and read a few letters to generate more self-love. I know now, that self-love need not be conditional or dependent on achievements but it’s true that at times, love flows from the outside in before it comes from the inside out.
We might fear that nurturing self-love is selfish, but it is one of the seven types identified in the Greek language and is not to be confused with narcissism. Self love is taking responsibility for one’s body, soul, and spirit, unlike narcissism, which simply put, is an obsession with outward appearances.
Taking responsibility for our own wellbeing, leads to a greater expression of love toward others.
Considering love on a personal level, I have to acknowledge my marriage that has grown over more than three decades and given me perspective on love. It is many-faceted and strong – like a diamond – greater than I ever imagined possible! A committed, longterm relationship is the best school for love I have known. Giving and receiving, love of self and the other, are complimentary gestures.
A marriage that grows becomes a container for different forms of love. What began as eros or romantic love has grown into philia or friendship based on shared goodwill. My husband is my dear friend as well as my romantic partner.
Having built a family with children and grandchildren, we also share pragma or a practical love founded on longterm interests. We want the best for our children, grandchildren and community – we work together to support them. There is food-sharing, child care, shared vacations and more that require planning and doing which brings us all together.
My husband and I are entrepreneurs who strive to create something greater than ourselves in our work. Our dreams and intentions in business have been mutually supportive and take into account people, planet and profit. Considering all three, we strive to express agape. or universal love.
As a couple, one of the types of love that we have struggled with, when are overcommitted and too serious about our work and ourselves is Ludus, the playful sort of love. This love involves flirting and teasing and lightheartedness – it is nurtured by date nights, humor, singing and dancing.
Although ludus can be a form of love without commitment, for us it is remembering the early days of our relationship in spite of decades together. It is a commitment to keeping fun alive!
When love grows in a relationship, whether it is to another or to a project or group, it allows for the many facets of love to be expressed. While here on earth, it is our time to learn and grow in our capacity to love. There is no greater purpose, I am convinced.
My dream is that we are moving toward a marriage of feminine and masculine soul qualities, valuing both the inward and outward experiences of love. Taking responsibility for the creative energy that precedes its outward expression expands our capacity to love.
We can give of ourselves freely when we have a self to give, a self nurtured by love. Love in its many forms then flows without strain.
To give love, we have to have it; we all deserve it unconditionally. And to keep it, we have to give it away, which creates a full circle.
Love is a renewable resource. The more we give, the more we have to give.
Kindle self-love in your soul and send it out into the world this week! See what happens both inwardly and outwardly when you do.
And have a happy and love-filled Valentine’s Day! With or without chocolate, it will be sweet. I promise.
